A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that’s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog’s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.
The man says to the boy, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck.”
“I guess so,” says the kid, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with the peg leg?” he asks.The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?”
“Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand.”
“Incredible!” says the seaman. “How’d you get the eye patch?”
“A sea gull sh** in my eye,” the pirate replies.
“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the seaman asks.
“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter “country style.”
“What’s country style?” asks the city boy.
“Out here in the country,” the farmer says, “when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute.”
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, “All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn.”
The farmer grins. “Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck.”
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. “I have two talking female parrots,” she tells him. “All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”“That’s awful,” the priest agrees, “but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
“Hi, we’re prostitutes.” say the females. “Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, “Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!”
One day, a farmer walks through his orchard to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit. Once he gets to the pond, he sees two hot girls skinny-dipping. They see him and quickly drop their bodies below the water. “We’re not coming out until you leave!” shouts one of the girls. “I didn’t come to watch you ladies swim naked,” says the farmer, holding up the bucket. He continues, “I’m just here to feed the gators.”
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing thatHis father replied, “I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them.”
Worried, Johnny replied, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom.”
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, “Your butt’s getting huge. I bet it’s bigger than the barbecue. With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt. “I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
She replied, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically. “Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”
A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut. She goes down, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him off the bloody nun, he yells, “You’re not so tough, are you, Batman!
A husband returns home from work one night to discover that his wife is missing. He spends the next two days looking for her, only to come home on the second night and find his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta. “You’re alive!” he cries. “Where have you been all this time? “These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week,” she replies.
“But you’ve only been gone two days…”
“Yeah, I’m just here to get something to eat.”
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